Teenage Open Heart Surgery

It's hard to show respect.

2009-01-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

Something might be wrong with my mother. I decided to do the Tiger Queen Pageant at school for fun. I signed up on Friday. I told my mom I wanted to sing and play guitar for my talent and that it was for fun, not to win.

My mother found out it was a scholarship competition and wants me to go for it. I didn't realize this would be such a problem. I just want to have fun.

The first negative thing she said was, you could always read a poem for your talent. And yes I like writing poetry so I took it into consideration, but the only realy reason I wanted to be in the pageant was to perform something.

My mom keeps coming to me basically saying she doesn't think I will be able to perform. Yes I know I have short amount of time to pull it off, but I have never needed anyone to tell me I could or couldn't do it. I am not stupid. I am not going to do something if I don't think I can do it.

She told me she didn't think I'd get into Vanderbilt, nor be happy there. And now she is tellin me I won't be able to pull off playing guitar.

And now its all in my subconscious that I won't be able to do it. It's just really discouraging having someone continually telling you you won't be able to do something.

I can not believe her. She is so ambitious to win this thing. I told her to not come. I don't want someone to be there to not support me.

I just want to have fun.

And now I am feeling incredibly lonely. Again. Human characteristic that is inescapable. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would fall in love to prove my self wrong that it isn't real. I sometimes think we make it up. But I have to remind myself that life IS what we make it.

Sometimes you just want someone to save you.

Find me on the web, like I'm a turantula.

2009-01-14T16:09:00.000-08:00

I ironically wrote a scholarship essay in my blog, not intending to publish it on here. I laughed when I was finished and decided to publish it anyway.

Instant messages, text messages, Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, Blogspot: these are all forms of communication that have enveloped my Echo boomer generation. Constantly preparing ourselves for our place in the world where we will eventually become future politicians, business executives, social club leaders and every other title from stay at home mom to President of the United States, I imagine this warped technological communication is impossible to revert and will carry us through the networking groups of our destinies. This quick communication fails to teach my generation the etiquette needed to succeed and falls short of molding our emotional intelligence which is valued for any type of social interaction.
A country's efficiency in regards to government, economy, and society lies at the feet of teamwork and human relationships. Regardless of advancing technology, conversation face to face will never submerge; a metaphorical line that can not be crossed in order to keep others happy and interests groups cooperating accordingly will always exist.
With these new technologies, children of my generation are already showing signs of failing to know how to react to others in a healthy and productive manner, thus weakening their problem solving skills and lowering the future's rate for adequacy. With this type of training, the future will ironically be at a lack of communication due to some individuals adapting to the demands of learning new interaction techniques and others using technology as a crutch.
From my discoveries and knowledge gained from studying the neuroscience field: the human brain, human behavior and technology, I will eventually have the expertise to teach others cognizance of the problem and exercises to practice physically, rather than technologically, networking. Between practicing problem solving techniques The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle introduced me to and teaching others to be examples to follow to increase productivity between people, I can count myself as a part of a solution.

I guess this whole technology thing in these terms is and will be sort of a problem. Right now its a problem anyway (a teenage problem for now), because it takes up a lot of our time we could be using to do productive activities and well, I sometimes hear of girlfriends getting terrible upset at boyfriends for other girls commenting their facebooks or myspaces. I know some people who even change their top friends according to who has pissed them off lately and who hasn't in hopes of the person who pissed them off to look at their top friends and notice. Sometimes those people do notice and leave racy comments or send a text.

Instead of these people stopping and rationally making a decision, they are quick to go at it online. In all actuality, these people made problems for themselves and then are quick to complain about it over their statuses.

I can admit I am cognizant of some of the virtual messages I have sent to people through my statuses. And it is also easier to text something than to say it out loud. It is something I have been teaching myself to overcome. However the status bit, I sometimes do it to be funny, self entertainment.

Let's face it, our generation is emotionally unintelligent.

Im ill, not sick.

2009-01-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

I learned of the Appalachian Mountain Trail today. Kerr said he backpacked on it when he was 19 and it took him 5 1/2 months. I want to do it. Just when? I could just do a portion of it and go a summer, but I would rather do the whole thing and drop life until I finish.

I would need a boy to go though just for protection reasons.

I have noticed that all of my stress from high school has been a choice. Took me til my senior year to figure it out, but at least I figured it. I either like stress, or I like the activities that stress me out so much that I choose to take the good with the bad (the activities with the stress). But I finally realize, I can either drop those "activities" or I can change my attitude about it to "If I meet my dead line, cool, if not, I'm not dead." haha always a silver lining to any situation.

I have lost a portion of motivation to meet deadlines, though. Haha maybe college should have waited to tell me I have been accepted.

I have also shifted my attitude about friends. I have longed for stability and to find a close friend, but I realized that maybe life would be alot more "light" , "less grave" if I actually followed that advice "live every moment to the fullest". you know, enjoy the time you have with people.
So that's what I have been doing I think.
enjoying people's company. theres no rule that says you have to have someone attached at your hip, but maybe that's what marriage will be. "your other half"

Ive been thinking about the effects of drugs on the mind lately. haha not doing drugs, but how they shift mind patterns. you can find people on you tube who talk about doing DMT and LSD and etc.. and they speak of different perceptions.
People say.. what they see is not real. But to me, I think everything we all do is just.. perceptions. What you see is real, except some visions can not physically change the world as we know it. I'm not explaining this well, because there are exceptions to my theory such as mirages, etc.
Its just when I start thinking of our neurons firing in our brains to produce certain images, I also can't help but think about those people who have seen ghosts. (call me crazy but I have seen 2. seriously, call me crazy, I know what I saw.) Not everyone present could have seen it, but that's why I am convinced that our brains open up portals to again.. different levels of consciousness, the spiritual world being one of them. It's some what like 3 D glasses in a 3 D movie. If you aren't wearing them, then you don't see some things the same way.
People have caught glimpses in other levels of consciousness.

Da Vinci did. He tapped into the future by oscillating on a separate frequency with his drawings of helicopters and such.

People, again, call me crazy, but the supernatural is fascinating.

-----

another thought I had today:
Kerr explained he is a nature guy, but he also goes hunting.
I love animals, but I wouldn't mind hunting either. With this, I realized I am always thinking.. what category do I fall in? I should pick a hobby and fall die hard into it. Some people have these definite things they are awesome at.. their thing is art, their thing is sports.. etc. but i like too much stuff, I can't figure out my category. And I came to terms with myself today. It's ok. I don't have to be committed to anything. That IS who I am: versatility.

I had an enlightening day.

We are not the same; I am a martian.

2008-12-29T20:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you go out on a limb. You do something that you know may not be the best thing to do because you know the consequences could be bad, but there is the slight chance that the consequences could be really good.
I feel like I am going out on the limb and it's breaking. I don't want to explain what I actually did/am doing, because thats publicly announcing too much of my personal life, but really, the branch... starting to break I think.

I also wish I could overcome this human quality called loneliness. Why do we need to be near someone sometimes to not feel lonely? And why is it that we can be standing in a crowd and still feel lonely. We are strange creatures.

I like knowing my destination, but I also like the journey to be a mystery. Thats cheesy, but if people were not over enthusiastic, cheesy, dramatic etc.. then life would be pretty boring.
..kind of like dancing. Its more fun to go all out and exaggerate the steps rather than stay in one place bobbing your head.

The question is.. "Do they mean what they say, or is it like a man cheating on his spouse, promising his lover he is going to leave his wife, but it never happens?"
I think im the "lover" in my situation.
(If you personally asked me what I mean, I would probably tell you.)

I plan on exaggerating my movements, you know.. spice things up.

Don't ask me whats wrong, ask me whats right. And Imma tell you whats life?

2008-12-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

So I did in fact get into Vanderbilt, with funding. It's extremely nice. I always thought Well, even if I do get in, I'll still have to get a scholarship.
But I suppose there really is a great plan for everything. All these money problems have just caused Vanderbilt to give me a ton of grant money for school.
It's just such a load off of my shoulders.
I did have problems telling people at first. It was something I whispered. I told my closer friends. I just feel like I am bragging everytime I open my mouth about it. They all say I should brag, but I feel guilty. haha. I decided to put .. I am a commodore on my status on facebook rather than LOOK AT ME. I AM GOING TO VANDY! haha.. thats what the adrenaline in me wantedto say.. but then again I also want people to be happy for me rather than.. wow.. shes full of herself. I do feel very blessed and I am thankful to have been given this opportunity.

This Christmas break has been wonderful. I have been celebrating and relaxing for once. I have been incredibly happy. Whatever my unexplainable mood was that has enveloped me lately, is now replaced with this incredible state of euphoria.

I am pretty content : ). However if any other dreams of mine would like to come true, let them come. There is always more room for happiness.

Tonight I am hosting a dirty Santa party at my house for the Student Government kids. We always have fun in fourth period so I thought it'd be nice to bring that fun outside of school.

On a more.. philosophical note. I have been thinking about our soul. Deathcab for Cutie shuffled onto my sisters ipod as she was riding with me to Mississippi. "Where soul meets body"....
It's amazing that our emotions, sadness, happiness can facilitate tears and laughter, etc.
But I wonder.. our soul must be attached to our body, until our body quits working. I just wonder what the soul does at that point.
Any spiritual happening must still be connected to our body such as the "white light" that people see when they die and come back. It still is most likely a connection to the spiritual world and it is also our brains shutting down (when that part of the brain quits functioning, it produces white light frequency to our eyes.. according to research anyway.)

But once our soul is no longer connected.. what does it do? It no longer has anything to attach to.

Just something I think about sometimes. I believe there is a connection that can be found somehow through emotions, soul, genetics, science.

I also wonder why I wonder about things like this. It makes me chuckle at my nerdy self.

Quadruple By-pass

2008-12-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone and instantly known there was something incredible there? I have met this one person a few months back. I have spoken of him in my blogs before, but I'll leave names out in order to avoid embarrassing him.

He is all over facebook so I can not avoid him unless I avoid facebook.

It kills me knowing how close he is and how close he is not. He is on my conscious level. It makes me think too much and half of me wishes it would go away because it leaves no room for anything new.

This blog for once did not make me feel better.

No homo, no hypo (crite).

2008-12-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

I believe I am removing the word hypocrite from my vocabulary. I have been doing some thinking lately (and some re-reading of my blogs) due to a prank phone call I recieved over Thanksgiving break. When I answered, a group of girls were connected to the other end of the reciever, and I figured I might as well keep quiet and leave the phone on so they could continue to say what they felt was so important to say.
Some of it was funny, but some of it could have had some truth so it (reguarding myself being a hypocrite.. you know.. a "holier than thou status" when they claimed I smoked weed). I'm sorry to let your hopes down, but I do not smoke weed, however, I will agree that I have much room for hypocrisy.
I realize using this word does not allow me to make mistakes without being judged. If I make a public mistake, even if I realize it, someone is bound to pull this blog out and use it against me.
I suppose that is fine, now that I know my lesson, but I hope people will refrain from doing that.

So I have court in the morning, and I did not tell my parents. I realize they could get on my blog and read this, but that will be fine. I did not completely lie, I just said I was not going to school in the morning and I was going on a college visit (because I am to be excused for tomorrow as well). I just know financially (even though I will be paying the court fees) they would be very upset. I would just rather them not deal with more stress than they already have and I personally could do without the stress too. I really do not like lying though. I can not remember the last time I lied to them. I know I would not get in trouble for telling the truth, but they are worried enough about money.

Another thing: timing.
Timing is everything. Taking an action too soon or too late, even by seconds, can change the course of life. But thats how could haves, should haves, and would haves are born. Because every action taken is right on time. It's the reminiscing that does the time travel. But maybe thats what makes life beautiful. The fact that the next breath we take affects the next person or thing. Without that breath, things would be slightly different, and all those "slightly differents" add up to a different world. That breath does exist though. And this is the world we live in. Not knowing the outcome of the next second is the chance we take. And that in itself is beautiful.

A little poetry.. but I am at a point where I am waiting for something. Just waiting. What good is that? If I am always waiting to live, when does the living start? It is almost impossible to cut waiting out of my time budget, but it would be nice to be more productive. Things are how they should be right now. Why should I mull over it being something different because mulling will never change circumstances.

If I could take unnecessary desire out of myself, I would. It causes me some internal problems.

Got a CAT scan & I had money on my mind

2008-11-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like a hippy with the Power of Now book stuck in my head. I am really focusing on practicing it especially during times of stress.

I will add the following things to anyone who reads this to clear up some misconceptions people are making (at least according to a non reliable source):

-I am a virgin
-I broke up with Ian due to lies he made and nothing else.
-I really wont bite
-I enjoy hanging out with creative people (that consists of anyone who is creative)

So particularly the first and second thing listed.. pay close attention to those. There are (supposedly) wild rumors going around that "the homecoming queen gave Ian the 'royal treatment' after the homecoming dance" and that I broke up with Ian for all these crazy happenings. I am here to say none of them happened.
It's nice to have this blog to write this into, because at school, if people say these things about me.. I don't usually say anything unless it is directed at me. I know who I am and what I have experienced. They can pretend they know everything about me.

My mother and I just had a yelling tennis match. She started a conversation off with "You may not be happy at Vanderbilt because we don't have as much money as some of the people you will meet will have."
It sounded like.. keep your options open, you won't be happy at Vanderbilt because of money.

I understand she could have just been meaning it in a harmless way ( I could have implemented the Power of Now here but when she starts yelling sometimes I cant control it. Something I need to learn)

First of all, I have a slim chance of going to Vandy, but regardless, if I go there or not, money will be an issue at any college. It is already an issue in high school.

She said I may feel happier at UT Knox with my sister.

Kill me now if I EVER base a decision regarding happiness off of other peoples' money.
If I had money, my problems would not be solved, I could still find ways to be unhappy. Money cannot cure the world.

Lack of money is stressful at times. But it won't ever be the cause of my downfall.

Paradigm Shift....

2008-11-10T04:51:00.000-08:00

It turns out there's a little bit of hypocrite to everyone. I've realized something I already knew: Doing the right thing is a constant struggle.
I went to church yesterday for the first time in a while and an analogy was used for judging others:
A man walks into your house and your children are doing something that in the man's house would be breaking rules. He then chastises your children and punishes them in your own house for doing what would be breaking rules in his. Doesn't sound fair.
I suppose it's not our place to scold others according to our opinions. God sets the rules you know??
So again I regret using the word hypocrite in my last blog. However, I do feel like I did the right thing by talking to the friend. I feel it did some good.

I also know that I myself have a few "kinks" to work out as far as being a hypocrite goes. It's natural for humans to crave unwholesome things, but it's not ok to not fight against them.

The new guy I am dating and I have had a few kinks also. He has exaggerated a few things in order to impress me. He did apologize and admit to them, but after a while a lot of little things add up, and it's not so cute anymore. You wonder..do I really know this person?

I was discussing this same conversation with him last night when we turned onto Memphis Arl to see a white car of some sort in the ditch and the whole emergency paraphernalia: you know, the ambulance, firetruck, police, all the lights..

That looks like Jeremy's Maxima

But Ian says.. is that your parents? I called them and panicked a teeny bit when they didn't answer on the first try, but another ring and they were home safe..

I asked Ian to pull up closer and I asked, "Is that a maxima?" I got out and started running towards it and there I saw Jeremy. He and I have not been on speaking terms for about a month.

I realized.. He should have died, his car had to have flipped more than once. There were trees everywhere that he could have hit, and if there had been an oncoming car...
He could have been gone forever and there was still unfinished business between us.

I'm not sure what that business is, but I do know he and I were not "friends" after being best friends for about three years. I believe that was a sign of needy reconciliation.
Yes, so last night was quite the emotional rollercoster for me.

Kelsey came home to help move. She has a story to relate to everything regarding her sorority and college life. She is not that different. Slightly more mature, but still has alot of figuring out to do (but then again don't we all).

I feel like something is missing right now.. can't put my finger on it. Yes Jeremy and I have some friendship holes.. but I felt it yesterday before I happened to drive up on his wreck. Some sort of paradigm shift is taking place. I knew it was happening with the election of Obama but I'm starting to think it's the whole universe shifting.

hypocrisy rules.

2008-10-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

I just got incredibly sad.
Why is the world so hypocritical (including me) we all are.
But this time.. I have come in contact with something so obviously hypocritical, it screams " LOOK AT ME "!

As Christians we really can not set bad examples. If we are falling off the path, usually we can somewhat recognize it, its just hard to have the self discipline to return back to the right path.
But let me encourage us all (talking to myself too) when we are falling off the path, WE CANT LEAD OTHERS TO CHRIST! So lets not even try it.
It sends a mixed signals to others: We can party and sin and everything else and still be CHRISTIAN! OH HOW EASY!

WRONG! I am guilty as well. But I do my best to avoid it.
It's just.. this action this one person has taken. It tells others that it's ok. and its not. I don't want people to be so confused.

I just don't understand how you can mix partying and church. Party saturday night, wake up and go to church even though you believe partying is wrong. If you don't believe drinking is wrong and you go to church, then I suppose I can't fault you. I know I have no right to judge others, thats God's job, but really guys.. we are supposed to keep eachother in check and watch out for eachother.

I have to do something...

just some quick thoughts

2008-10-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

Getting my Vanderbilt stuff together. Not sure where I actually WANT to go to college, but I'm applying Early Decision at Vanderbilt anyway. I know if I go far away, I won't come back here. Which could be good, could be bad. I just know my family does not want to lose me forever. So I go somewhere close I guess.

This economy thing is driving me crazy. Im pretty sure its affecting all middle class american families, but its squeezing mine.

Its nice to not have work tonight. I have college fair, but I can actually take a nap.
My grades are surprisingly very good, despite the fact that I disregarded my homework the past two weeks due to homecoming preparation.

The SAT seemed to be quite easy, I hope my scores reflect that also.

I woke up early this morning and laid there trying to figure out why I was awake. By ten minutes before the bible study started as I was getting ready, I remembered yesterday I had decided to go to the FCA study at school this morning.. Thus. I didnt make it today.

I wish I didnt have work on wednesday nights.. I have gotten invited to church a few times and can't go.

.. I just got a letter in the mail. Mrs. Perrigin nominated me for the Keeper of the Dream award. The foundation accidentally got switched up, thought I was the nominator and that Mrs. Perrigin was the nominee. They also adressed it as Mr. Kirby Gilliam and misspelt Mrs. Perrigin's name. They also declined me as a winner. Which from the letter, I am completely ok with. Someone didn't do their job right. They should be embarrassed. haha.

Ian is wonderful. He dotes on me and keeps me on a pedistool. It's nice. I can't think of anything I don't like about him. : )
I am meeting his dad this saturday night.

Also kelsey isn't coming home after all : (. She is going to georgia with matthew instead as a birthday present.

And in art, we were to choose one of mrs. wilson's old books to remake. I picked one up. At my desk I realized it is a book on a young womans spiritual pilgrimage. I read some of it. Its actually very good. Now if I could just find time to finish the rest of The Power of Now.

meet me please.

2008-10-03T22:06:00.001-07:00

I got homecoming queen. People voted me, either because they like me or because they knew of me.
I was a little shocked, I wanted Shelby to win.

At the dance, a girl came up to me and mentioned how the cheerleaders had told her a meaner form of "why would you vote for kirby"
its weird because they all are real nice to me.. to my face i guess.

I just dont understand why people do that..

they probably didnt mean what they said

I feel weird about winning, simply because I dont know how I feel about wearing a crown on my head and saying "HEY LOOK AT ME! I WON!"
Now I feel like people will have some sort of negative image of me like "Oh well she just thinks she is just so special now doesnt she?"

Can people just learn to not judge so negatively? It hurts my feelings.

I have S A T in the morning.. yuck.

And I guess about the last blog post? I am just sorry so many friends base friendship on smoking. I hate that I would need to smoke to be considered COOL TO THE MAX. That that is the major factor that will extend me from cool to AMAZINGLY awesome cool...
I am just really sorry...

And another thing. I wish people would give me a real chance at being an equal. I watched the VP debates last night and those presidents and vice presidents featured on television? They are supposedly the most important and influential people in the world.. But I am confident that If i ran into them tomorrow, I could have a conversation with them and not feel intimidated.
I figure If I can feel that way about people who are supposedly the most important in the world, then why are people so afraid to get to know me?

Yes I am outspoken, involved... everywhere.. but what does that mean? It means I have alot of interests. I LOVE LEARNING and EXPERIENCING. That means I am open minded and ready to take in whatever it is anyone wants to throw at me.. So will people please just throw soemthing? something positive perhaps? nothing negative please.. that I can do nothing with but use to sum you up.

Just make sure you dont sum me up until AFTER you have talked to me. It really is unfair. I want to meet people who will interest me. Why do people think that does not include them?

Alot of people dont come out of movies. Alot of people would rather be real than fake. Let me learn. Let me experience. Let me be humble. Let me be kind. Let me be real.

lets smoke and get high : )))))) everyones doing it..

2008-10-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

I dislike how boys who smoke say other girls who smoke are "cool as shi*"
I dont smoke so I dont even get invited by people who were once friends; they have found girls who will to hang with instead.
anything and everything they do involves getting high. its sad.
they tell stories they find humorous only if they involve weed.

I guess if thats what you like, then cool? but you should rethink what you're actually doing with life. Don't call someone a screw up, especially if you are screwing up.

Confucious Say Gossip Hurt the Soul

2008-09-30T04:17:00.000-07:00

That last post was not me saying I do love more than one person, I just wondered about it. Today is tacky day for homecoming week and tonight is Big Man On Campus. Its going to be fun and its been fun getting to this point.

This past weekend a bunch of girls hung out both nights. One of the nights there was some teenage drama gossip. and about someone we all adore especially when she is around. I kept trying to throw in comments such as "well dont we all" but they didnt get my point so finally I told them we should learn to handle problems in other ways. They were hypocritically talking terrible about the girl for talking about other people. Ironic.

I think school should teach young adults how to emotionally develop. We Should be taught emotional intelligence from a young age. Instead with all the media running around, teens grow up thinking its normal to call someone a mean name. Most people however do not really mean what they say about others, its only a temporary release of insanity. They did not stop to make a decision of saying something hurtful.

Everyone should realize its more efficient to go to the person and say "You really hurt my feelings" instead of "YOURE THE WORST FRIEND IVE EVER HAD, YOU DIRTY SLUT!"
And its MUCH more effective to tell the person when they cause the offense, so that they realize in the act what they did. I have found that instead, a lot of girls react harshly and are inconsiderate of anyone around them. At those moments when those hurtful words are said, its ME ME ME.

I am not saying I am not guilty of gossip. I try to avoid it of course, but I am still guilty as are we all. However, I would like to change the habits of this echo boomer generation.

And going to someone saying your feelings are hurt, may not produce any effects at all. That person really may be stuck in their own teenage ego, but thats how you know. If they don't react, they obviously don't care about you nearly as much as they do about themselves. That sucks to realize that as a friend, but hopefully one day they will grow up.
In the meantime you must accept it for what it is and choose to be around it, or dont.

Thank you Confucious Kirby.

love love love

2008-09-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

Questions I have been asking myself:

Is it possible to fall in love in a second? Is there a decision, an instant of letting it go?
And is it possible to love one person and long for another? Is that foul play?
Is it possible to be in love with two people at once? Can you fall out of love in a second; an instant of letting go?

I ask myself all of these questions. There are no answers yet.

2008-09-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, for everyone who reads my blogs, read the previous blog before this one.. and read the comments. Its hysterical.

Anonymous AKA Audio Adrenaline: Rest Easy: you should really think about rereading my blogs regarding labels.
I don't understand why people are so timid about meeting other people. Everyone has the power to intimidate.

I will say I made homecoming court. First time. Kind of exciting.

The real reason I wanted to post was because I want everyone to read this :

and he made the point that in order to reach people, we have to become like them.in 1 Corinthians Paul says how to the weak, he became weak; to the jews, he became a jew; to those without law, he became like a man without the law.... he said how to reach people, they have to want to be around us. if we look around the church, we see people who have been saved for thirty years, but they refuse change so much, no one wants to be around them..... sometimes its hard for christians to accept change, and welcome those who aren't like us. how will we reach people? and, furthermore, how will we know a persons heart if we push them out?

That is what I have been trying to say, thank you for finding the words for me.

real people

2008-09-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

And Ian is now.. officially my boyfriend. That was quick, and I know I have not known him long, but when you meet someone you find interesting, it's fun to get to know them. He reminds me of me. Very involved, very ambitious. .. he's quite an aesthetic person as well as a romantic.

Big Man On Campus is coming along very nicely and homecoming week is next week : ). So far everything is going as planned. I hope Shelby wins Homecoming queen. She has been on court every year and its lame for people to use that as an excuse to not vote for her.

She is another one of those people that other people tend to label. We talked last night about it a little bit. There are a few girls at school who used to be extremely on fire for God and now.. they arnt. That confuses other people who are watching. . its like.. She is a christian AND she parties.. so it must be ok every once in a while.

I went to an FCA before school bible study last week. The theme of FCA this year is you can't live for God and the world too. Sometimes I catch myself riding the fence, being a luke warm christian. Not good.

Well for anyone who reads this, don't assume a "hot, popular girl" will instantly give IT up and is a hard core alcoholic. And don't assume a "band geek" is strange and awkward.

These people with labels? They could be REAL people, so give them a chance

rip that label off if it means overlooking someone.

2008-09-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

I think I need to have a more positive outlook on people. ie. Give people a chance.
Yesterday I got in a fight with my mom over money. I was about to get on here and write when I decided I should go to a friend's house to try to lean on them. I tried Jeremy, he was going somewhere. But I realized I should have tried Shelby anyway. I have never gone to her for anything like that, but I remembered Sue had some family problems and went over there.
In conclusions, I felt better, and I should just learn to jump out on limbs and just give things a try.

Tonight was the Sadie Hawkins dance. I asked someone really random, someone much different than me but like me. He's in band, he is really funny, he is hard core karate guy, knows some ball room dancing, very goal oriented, and he is in my physics class. At first I asked because I knew it would be fun, but as the week went on, I decided that he has the possibility to be more than a school dance date. You see, he is like me in the fact that he has things in life that he likes and he does them. But unlike me in the fact, that he is in a different genre: Music. Not to say I have never learned guitar or written a song, but I do those things as occasional hobbies.

People who label people believe that they themselves are labeled, when really, we are all just people: people who are attracted to different aspects of life.
We should not label people for negative reasons. ie. Ian is a band geek, but I like that. Usually geek has a negative connotation. or band geek does.. but not for me.

I hope people see past labels. We will get to know people more than we ever imagined.

i can sleep when im dead : )

2008-09-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I need someone to talk to.
My mood has been somewhat better. I got a parakeet for my birthday and if it is still scared of my by this weekend I am going to pick it up anyway.

I am getting excited about Big Man On Campus.. and Sadie Hawkins is this friday, which.. I didn't get the memo that people were actually doing the date thing.. so now all the guys are paired up with all the girls.. except me and one of my friends, so I told him he could go with me if he ends up going but he has the ACT the next day and may not go out..
so it could be awkward for me.. hahaha...

OH.. I was going to write some stuff.. but a movie is on.. and even though I planned to go to sleep early since I stayed up so late last night, I am going to watch it anyway. I can sleep when Im dead...

next two months will fly past..

2008-09-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am having severe trouble with some Student Government members. There is attitude all over the place. I can be joking and they are upset at me. I really just want them to be nice to me. Just.. nice. Thats all I will say on the subject.

Also, I love learning. I never liked the social studies genre, but I have fallen in love with my Government class. And I have never liked English either, but The Allegory of the Cave by Plato really drew me in.

I am trying to use this power of now method to watch how I am feeling. It is just not that good. I took this weekend to just do nothing, to relax. But it left me feeling depressed because I did not go out with friends or anything. Why do we humans care to be accepted? I keep falling into this worry, this worry that I am not liked. I do my best to be very nice and help people. But when it comes down to it I like to help people. . So.. Why am I worried if they like me?

I feel almost stuck in the .. inbetween..... there are two different groups in the highschool that I can see.. 1. the lets party group, that ive always been stuck in on weekends. and 2. the intellectual group, the one that im with during most of the school day. .. the first group is fun and random and hysterical in its own way, and the second group is the same in another. But I am not all the way in one or the other. So the 1 group has its regulars, and the 2 group has its regulars.. and I oscillate back and forth..
For the longest time I have been great being sort of a loner these past two months, since that JP night this summer. But .. now.. the whole human nature thing.. the acceptance thing.. yuck.

I also want to work on.. blending in. They say that is the way to be most successful as a teenager. And no I dont mean blend in as in be average on the inside. But I guess just.. not so bold. Dont underline myself, dont.. throw out a red flag.

For the first time I can ever remember, I am having acceptance problems. It's strange to me.
I guess I am sort of throwing up my arms asking someone to save me.. and I am not being able to see God's lifeline yet.

I did however get information about the fall retreat my church camp church is going on. I believe I am going to go.

In the mean time.. I have a whole lot of preparing to do for the month of october, I have the SAT and the ACT to take.. and a whole lot of applying to colleges and scholarships. And homecoming is right before all of this..

Overwhelming.. thats why the power of now is going to ...under..whelm me.

read romans.

2008-09-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am seventeen today and a senior.
I feel no different like any one on their birthday.

Theres been an open seat behind the english guy today and yesterday. probably not a coincidence.

I have a birthday card from derek that I picked up on my way home from Knoxville. I am not allowed to open it. He said I would "know" when..

I was supposed to go out to eat with my family, but my mom is sick throwing up, and my dad has to work until 8 tonight...
But its raining outside. Rain is beautiful to me. Probably the edges of Hurricane gustav or something.

I like that half of the birthday wall posts I recieved on facebook were from my church camp friends.

I feel very relaxed right now. I know I have homework, but I think this power of now book is rubbing off on me. I am not so encompassed by the past or future. I am able to just be.

unsatisfied

2008-08-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

I broke up with him after he sent me 29 text messages talking about how he would give me some space (such irony).
I am in Knoxville right now visiting my sister, dont worry, I have been in no drunken stupor or anything, although I have certainly been around it.

I dislike that I have no christian friends at school or at home anywhere. I do know of one boy whose senior essay was read aloud by another student in english. He is church of christ and his essay spoke of his energy for Christ.

I remember seeing him at a church that I tried once when I was young.
Maybe I can befriend him?

Its just hard to find people striving to do the right things.

I started reading Romans, I can't believe I had never read that before.

The party life up here in knox is not that satisfying.......

unacceptance.

2008-08-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

I am a busy girl. Really.
I don't know if I am overlapping into the out of town boyfriend's personal business, but I need to write this one out.
At school, my brain doesn't stop. I get home for about thirty minutes and then head to work until nine and have to somehow get my homework done. Today I didnt get my homework done at work. Why?
Because yet again Derek wanted to talk on the phone.
I have felt alot of pressure from him. I dont like it. Instead of me wanting to talk to him, I feel like its something I have to do. He gets upset when I dont.
But I am busy. At first I didnt talk to him because I was busy. Now I just dont want to.
We started the relationship thinking it would bring us closer to God, but its only taken up more of my scanty time to where I can't ever read.
I told him today we should break up because I am not happy and he can't be happy if he is upset with me all the time, and we are not growing spiritually.
He didn't like this and for some reason we arn't broken up. I stayed on the phone for about four hours listening to him say.. "Don't do this, Kirby. Think about what you're doing.."

The fact is.. I did think about it. I thought about it for the past four days.
So now.. I feel weighed down, unhappy, stressed.
This is not what I signed up for.
But he will not be mature about it if we break up. When I go to nashville to church he will be strange around me, if not mad.

ridiculous.
absurd.
totally stupid.

words that come to mind.
When i realized it was 7 oclock and I had done absolutely zero homework because he had kept me on the phone. I was pissed. So mad, I almost called him to tell him I couldnt take it and we were really done.

But then i realized he prob would not accept it the second time either.
I dont think I can reverse this.

Flat line, brain?

2008-08-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

I am officially a senior in high school. I've got some major accomplishments and some major responsibilities. . Pretty intense.. I seem to be at school in learning mode all day long even when I get home. I love learning.. I do.. I am of a curious nature, but when does one stop? When does my mind just.. breathe.

I have three AP classes this semester, physics, and my fourth period.. I somehow manage to be in two places at once.. Year book AND Student government. Art two becomes a safe haven for me first period, there I am relaxed.

I take each period by section. I worry about each class separately, in units. So far this method has worked for me. This requires at least an hours homework each night.. AT LEAST. AND I keep a job after school three nights a week.

That's a lot packed in there..

Especially when I had so much freedom during summer to .. eh.. be curious, stopping along side the road in my small town to look for black berries and check out hidden lakes.

It gets to a familiar point.. back in the day.. during my Bible questions era.. I just learned to accept that I didn't understand and hoped that something would happen that would help me to understand .. so whenever any thoughts of religion would come up.. I would push it to the back of my mind and think, I will worry about this later..

I feel that way this week. With all this school, I am thinking I will just read later.. I will pray later. It always seems to be later.. So The Power of Now.. the book.. it came in the mail yesterday. I began reading it today. Hopefully I will be able to focus more on the NOW after I am done with it.

Another obstacle this week? My sister left for college on Friday. It is not too strange yet, but I feel her absence will be felt within a week or so. It brings me to thinking when I will visit her. I know there will be parties, she is joining a sorority. I struggle with if it is even a good thing to go to parties. Does that mean I am supporting it? My worldly self doesn't care to not support it, but in terms of the real right and wrong? What are my duties?

These are my struggles.

Comes Out of NO Where

2008-08-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Not since camp have I felt this way. I came downstairs after a phone conversation with Derek and two friends who are UT bound were over talking to my sister. We were all talking about school and Kelsey (sister) asked me what games I was going to come to. I started thinking about all the partying that goes on up there and in my mind I thought.. It's not so bad... Partying is no big deal...
But it is supposed to be a big deal. I didn't want to think this way so I went outside and retrieved my Bible from the car. I wanted to read Revelations since I had been meaning to read it anyway, so I can see what all the hype is about Obama and the anti christ. Plus I figured maybe it would scare me enough to make me forget about the partying and the "fun" all together.
Then I realized.. it's Monday. Tomorrow I work and the next day I work. My sister leaves for college Friday night which gives me .. Thursday night with her.. our last night.. as kids.. after that? It will never be like I have ever known it.
So I began to cry a little, a rare occurance. I talked to Derek about how I was feeling. Made me feel a little better.

And Today was the first day of school of my Senior year. I just want to stay strong, live right, and pass the light.

P.S. I need to relearn how to pray. And I won my auctions on Ebay for The Power of Now and A New Earth, both of which may help me find my spiritual self.

......................................................24 minutes later....................................................

Just wanted to add..I tried a Baptist church this Sunday. Whats up with the solo singing? The Band IS so loud I can't hear my thoughts. Baptist church members? Can you hear yours? When a soloist is singing, how is that worship time for me? I can barely hear the words with those drums. And the many different songs that are sung? Can there please be some repetition every once in a while? So maybe I can know the words and actually think about them.

There is a difference between Church Goers and Christians.

Church, where are you?

The Male Gender

2008-07-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on for me at one time. This boy I have made a commitment to, he has spent the past year trying to get me to commit and now that I do, he is wondering "why now?"
So now he is committed but it doesn't feel secure. I suppose its my fault and bad timing.

Jeremy is all the sudden wondering how I am and so is another old friend. I can't tell what Jeremy's intentions are. Does he want friendship or more than that? And the other old friend? I was pretty sure both of those chapters were closed.

And this new church I went to tonight? The message was centered around John 10:10 which ironically is what my church camp was centered around. That is some sort of sign I think. I do wish they would turn the volume down on the instruments so I could actually think, and I wish they would sing some more familiar songs, but it was an enjoyable experience.
My ex boyfriend was there, it's the same church I used to go to with him. He was the "first love" and he got caught up in drugs. The youth pastor told me that was the longest he had ever stayed for a service. Apparently he usually stays for like half the service or something. I hope things work out for him.

And finally, I wrote about a boy a few entries back who could very well be my soul mate, you know..me in the male version. I met him in Florida, talked with him only one night in person and now he lives a little ways away. His curiosity and intelligence is intriguing. He happened to message me tonight with an "I miss you".
I had to tell him I could not return this feeling. I have committed to this other boy for the right reasons and for me that commitment means all or nothing.

Again, we will be happy by living the right way. Our hands will be held if we open the double doors.

Throwing Arrows

2008-07-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

I think about this newfound decision of mine to lead the Good Life. And I also think about this committment I decided to make to a boy.
I realize it could hurt two people, possibly three. One person I know for a fact it hurts, but life throws arrows. I suppose I made life throw one at this one particular person, but I notice on facebook, his quotes change periodically and his status always has a line from a song that sounds like it has to do with me.
Maybe I am being vain, but if not I still feel sorry.

I also do not mean to drag that arrow in further by saying this, hopefully he doesnt read it, but this boy I made a committment to? I actually like him. I do. I surprise myself everyday with how much I miss him and how miles don't really put distance between a connection of two people. Maybe this guy isn't the one. But maybe he is. I was not really looking for the one anyway, but he would do perfectly. Regardless, we are going to help eachother. Its the first time I have felt like I am doing the right thing in a relationship, not to say the others were wrong. Its just this one feels like I am MAKING the right decision.

Something I said tonight, that I want to reiterate:

I love people. Especially when they use their minds.
I like reading poems written by others, it makes me think. And I love writing my own.

I hope this new church I am attending tomorrow is somewhere I like.
Wish me luck.

You prepare for the worst, and you hope for the best, and on the inbetween you hit your knees and pray.
-- Nate Hale

New Life

2008-07-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I think I should use my leadership postition to do great things. I was originally planning on parties and things, so I'm sorry if thats what you were expecting. Now I'm thinking maybe service projects. It would be fun to go up to St. Jude and hang out with the kids. Things like that.

I guess I need to think of GOOD activities to do, give people a chance to do fun, wholesome things. My first idea is ultimate frisbee after registration.

I dont go to church because I don't feel welcome. Maybe I should go back and see if I can make a diference. It has got to start somewhere, right?

This new life will make us happy.

Help Anonymous.

2008-07-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

I went to church camp and came back changed. I need to live differently. I am emotionally drained I think. I don't really feel like doing much. I dont even know where to start.
Anonymous, I could use some words of encouragement.

I'm making a bucketlist.

Solution Is Not Ready Yet

2008-07-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I am the only one who believes in recurring problems. If life presents you a problem and you choose to do "patch work" instead of fixing it, I believe it will re-present itself in either another fashion or a very similar one. And I believe it will keep presenting itself until you choose to take the bull by the horns and fix it.
Once you are knocked out of your comfort zone, you fight to reach that familiar "o.k." feeling--the one where you no longer have to worry. However, I dont believe this is the most secure solution. This in between state of worry and non worry leaves room to repeatedly fall back under the comfort zone. Maybe if we all fight to push beyond comfort, to realms higher than just "o.k." we will all be successful.
I am just tired of my family sinking below the comfort zone level. I feel like I am maybe the only "go getter" but I can not be responsible for my family, so I get drug down to the raunchy depths of discomfort with them. This invisible string of malevolence is attached to each one of us so while I am crawling up a ladder, I am feeling the weight of my other four family members pulling me back down.

Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away. Haha. I make myself laugh sometimes.. alot of times.
I hope my mom reads this. I am almost positive she will (Hey Mom. :) ). They will know what I am talking about.
I am pretty sure she reads all of my posts when she remembers to.

Heart On My Sleeve Like It's the New Fashion

2008-07-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

My facebook statuses have not made any sense to anyone this week, except me. It's annoying when people chat and say "You sound depressed."

I wouldn't say depressed. Depressed is a strong word, not necessary to be thrown around like people tend to do these days.

I've just got alot of emotions, raw emotions..

Elaborations on current Facebook status: The guy I can't be exclusive with? He finds these songs... really they are everywhere.. these songs I have never listened to until he pastes their lyrics on his Quotes.. They speak of our situation. I've heard songs like these.. the ones where you feel sorry for the writer. The writer is the hero, the guy all the listeners support. The other person they write the song about becomes the nemesis, the guy we all love to hate, in this case the guy we all "wish would give the writer a chance".
It turns out, I am the nemesis, the guy on the other side of the song. I am the guy I dislike for the writer, I am the guy I wish would give the writer a chance.
I just can't bring myself to do it.

Subject switch...
I went to a baseball game with a friend. He tells me "ill stick with ya, kirb. im loyal". That sounds good. But does he know what he means when he says that.

I realize I am just as bad as others, maybe I am not the "bestest friend ever"... I have one thing gnawing at my ankles. One thing I did that I am ashamed of. Maybe I will announce it one day, but probably not. I made a mistake, barely anyway, but I still made it.

Also maybe one day I'll talk about my sister. It's more her life, but it affects mine greatly.

Subject switch...
I realize I sound a little (as us echoboomers say) "emo" lately, but what are we as people if we do not express our emotions. I have to find answers to my problems somehow. It's semi public, but I censor some of what I say.

as Lil Wayne says... " Excuse my French, emotion in my passion, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, like it's the new fashion."

Powerball Thought Machine

2008-07-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

I've got thoughts in my head. They are going so fast I can not even catch hold of one of them. I almost can see them. Its like I process them and forget them all at the same time, but it's a cycle. The same ones keep surfacing and I keep forgetting. It's so hard to explain. I am going to do an exercise maybe tomorrow, a freewriting exercise. One where I write down every thought that comes to mind and then I am going to analyze them and try to make sense of them.

I went to the river with a friend this weekend, and on the drive home, her boyfriend was driving. This Hunter is also a boy I have known for a few years and he always comes to my work to talk for a few minutes before going next door to work out. I realized that I really trust him and he is a great guy. And I am sitting there thinking, I have been writing blogs about lack of friendship, when he has some friendship potential. I guess my main thought was, I feel so alone sometimes and people are springing up all around me. Good people and by good people I mean they may not ever hurt me. I have this chance to get close to some of these people, but on second thought, I think whats the point, I have thought this about other people and they ended up hurting me anyway.

Something sort of having to do with this is a boy. A boy who is a little older than I am, but I suppose that doesn't matter. What does matter is that he is really good to me. Better than all the other boys I have dated I think. He overdoes the caring, but not in a creepy way or anything. He wants to take me everywhere like he wants to show me off or something. He wants to open every door; he thumps me on accident and hugs me tight and apologizes to make sure he didn't rupture my skull. He randomly gives me gifts and just generally tries to make me happy with every move. And he is successful. He does make me happy. My question for myself however is why will I not claim him as my boyfriend, be exclusively his girlfriend?
I started this dating scene under the impression of just hanging out with guys. I have had a boyfriend every minute of my life through highschool is seems, so I started dating and decided to keep everything unexclusive, no boyfriends so I can relax I guess? Do things for myself, focus on me.
I feel like I can't make up my mind about what I want. He makes me happy so why not just be his girlfriend and be happy?
Will I miss out? Will it be time consuming? Will it keep me from other things?
Are these feelings I have for him shortlived? Or easily put away?

I am not sure what I feel and its bothersome. The thoughts in my head keep whirring around. Its like the powerball. The machine goes round and round and I reach in and randomly choose thoughts.

I know it would not kill me to just quit this.. whatever it is with this boy. I would not die. But I suppose the final point is.. I wouldn't be living either.

Mending Faith

2008-07-03T03:46:00.000-07:00

Again.. that last blog was unorganized and maybe written with too raw of feelings. It was maybe too soon, but it helped to smooth over the chaos in my head a smidgon.
Jeremy called back after my follow up text even though I didn't think he would. We still didn't see eye to eye on the subject, but for him things went deeper than what I was thinking. So now I still don't feel right about it, but I see his point of view. I can understand it I suppose. Still doesn't make me feel better about him though.

A comment I got to my last blog helped me remember somethings I needed to write about.. one being faith. I realize I can pray about my situations and I will be taken care of. However, I've had quite a faith issue lately.. Or for quite a while..
You see, I have grown up being taught that the Bible is complete and utter truth. Instead from reading, I have found that the Bible has flukes and contradictories in my opinion. It's frustrating.
What I mean is.. check out the end of the book of Mark in the New Testament. It mentions something about us being about to speak in tongues and healing people.. or at least in some bibles it is mentioned. In others there may be an asterisk next to that last passage stating it was found away from the main manuscripts (which means they are saying be your own judge and it may or may not be true). And in other bibles, the passage is completely omitted.
I'd say that is an important piece of information that has been tampered with. I would also say that because the Bible has been tampered with in years past (some books are left out, etc.) it's hard to call it complete truth.
I believe in the ultimate message such as God is Lord and Jesus is the son of God who died on the cross to save us from our sins.
But the rest is all a blur to me. I have been struggling with this the past 3-4 years and no one has been able to explain it clearly to me. So I just live life knowing the ultimate message and praying that God will reveal the rest to me.

However, this makes it hard on my faith. It makes it hard on me to pray and do right all the things. I have no drive for it, and it all leads up to this bible issue.

So..leaning on Jesus at times like these are a large possibility for me, but it's hard sometimes, and I find myself leaning on myself. Which its hard to lean on your own shoulder. Ive got to learn how to depend on faith.

Overcompassionate: Not a Flaw.

2008-07-02T12:23:00.001-07:00

Forget last nights blog. I have a new one in the making. People are so . . ignorant. I view friendship in a more serious manner. I have been harping on this subject since the birth of my blog. Jeremy and I are no longer friends. Three years of calling him my best friends and its finished. Most empty feeling. I've felt this feeling before, maybe five times. Same heart wrenching emotions. He is being pulled away like Wilson the volley ball from Cast Away. Except there is no swimming to try to reach him again. I have to view him as another.. add him to my growing list of everyone else.. the prodigious category of the norm, the expected, the people who take friendship lightly. These people all would say they don't take it lightly, but thats part of their problem. They don't dont realize they ARE in fact taking it lightly.

This blog is dedicated to my best friend of three years Jeremy. Now when people ask me I can no longer call him my best friend. I was hoping he was different. I had thought he was different. Don't get me wrong its not like he made just one mistake and its over. No, there have been a few that I just overlooked and told Jeremy, "You know, I am going to overlook this. It will be like it never happened. Its a fluke."

Now I am convinced otherwise. No fluke; just a part of his ignorant character. He just doesn't care as much as I do. And you may think it's impossible to know the extent of someones feelings compared to your own because there is no possible way to know. But I know, I don't know how much more I care than he does. But I do know its more. Just like with the others. I care more. I almost wish I didn't, but this will make it easy to know friendship is real once I find someone who cares as much as I do.

Jeremy and I parted ways today. Over the phone he told me, "You're right, I don't particularly care why you were upset the otherday. You should not have been upset over something like that so I didn't need to come talk to you."
That was the first time ever.. EVER. that I had told him I NEEDED him to come. And he didnt. And he sees nothing wrong with it. He doesn't care. It's been two weeks and he has not tried to hang out except for three times past twelve AM which only makes me feel like he wants a booty call or something. After this comment I told him "Ok. Confirmation. You dont care. Thats all I needed to know." and he said "You're right. I don't care." but not sarcastically. With such seriousness I could almost pick it up and throw it.

I sent a follow up text saying good bye. I wanted to let him know I was always open to fixing it but he probably would never take the first step. I love him more than he can comprehend, and I told him if he EVER needed ME. I would be there as soon as he made the call. Until then, I said, Good Bye.

I cried. I dont do it often, but I figured this was cry worthy so I didnt criticize myself.
I just needed to vent this. Maybe now if people ask me, "How have you been?" I will say, "I'm alright." even though I'm not. Maybe I'll never be. I plan on spending my life searching for this "alright" state of being. I'll one day find a friend who cares as much as I.

Jumbled Up Neurons

2008-07-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

I would first like to say, my thoughts are not entirely in order. They have sort of been colliding with one another the past few days, thats why there has been no new posts. I would begin to write a new one and X out of the window simply because I had nothing real to write.

Now I am here at 3:00 AM just home from a party. Its been about two weeks since Jeremy has tried to hang out. It bothers me simply because he's my best friend and I want him to be different. I cry and he freaks basically. But I wanted him to be the one to prove me wrong about friends.

Secondly, sister. Stupid, gets intoxicated and always does soemthing stupid. Tonight I made her eat before we came home to sober up. I ended up getting told, "I wish you weren't my sister."
She wont remember tomorrow, but I will. I care for her alot, but she doesnt know what that means.

I'm tired, I may elaborate more on these subjects at another time. But this is truly emotionally draining.

Preparation Conversation

2008-06-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

I've got this smart mom, you see. She "brainwashed" me before kindergarten by opening a book and saying, " Ohhhh... this is so much fun! I love reading!"

And of course, young children are so impressionable especially by parents; I agreed with her and began reading also.

I commend her for doing that for me because by the time I was a preteen I was still reading; I didn't have a problem with it the way the other middleschoolers did.

So this smart mom of mine and I were just talking. It started out with something she read in one of my library books (which I want to read, but she is sort of hogging it haha). We were both discussing views on certain topics, one of mine being a state of absoluteness. This world we all live in is all connected, no ifs and maybes. People have categorized things because to them things are grouped with common other things. My mother says its my "multiple intelligences" that is able to help me put these things together, because I lean towards both my left and my right brains while my sister is right brained, and my brother is more left brained. I'm the middle child with the balanced brain. For example, math and art are connected in a way that when I am drawing I am seeing it from a mathematical point of view using proportions and when I am computing, I look at it from an artistic way as if I'm visually piecing together a puzzle. (Puzzle: the perfectly balanced activity of life involving right and left brains)

Another thing noteworthy is handling emotional situations depends on our ability of self control. If everytime a person heard someone was "talking about them behind their back", if that person would wait twenty-four to forty-eight hours before taking action, the world would be in a lot better condition, that is if every situation was handled in this way. Instead of immediately texting the person who talked about you and attacking them, if you waited, you would most likely come to the conclusion that either that person was right for saying it or was wrong, and instead of handling the situation out of anger, there would be a better thought out plan.

Back to my mom ---> we were simply discussing some of these things, when she let her emotions act their role, and things began to snowball. I began to watch her facial expressions instead of listening to what she was saying and I kept quiet, hoping this snowball of information would end. Her eyebrows stayed elevated and all I could think was, her forehead is going to have severe wrinkles because she never relaxes her face when she is talking.
Her stress levels were up, and we were simply talking. I wanted it to end. She was beginning to talk to herself, and I believe she may need to start her own blog.

This is not the only time I have had these feelings. Sometimes I wonder if while I am thinking about her future wrinkles, am I missing out on vital information. One day things may click for me and I will think "Oh.. my mom said something about that once.. I should have listened."

And The Test Results Are In

2008-06-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

So a few things I have learned since starting this blog:

1. Friends are not found. They are developed.

By this I mean, I am not going to meet someone I can automatically trust. Thats a given. If I am lucky I will meet someone who is dependable and frienship will progress quickly into a desirable high level. However, most likely It will take careful picking and sifting before I realize there is a friend there. And the trials and times when that friend is needed will help us develop into something beautiful.

2. Emotional intelligence plays a major role in friendship.

You can be the smartest person in the world and not be successful if you are emotionally unable to handle yourself. Read the book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman. I have barely started to read it and can get that much out of the first few pages.
Its hard to find friends when you are stuck in a sea of people who hit an invisible ceiling. They say they have best friends and just keep running into that glass without ever realizing it. The real friendship is not in their eyesight yet, and its quite a shame.

3. Don't be so selfish.

Selfishness is going to rid you of all close friends. If everyone would be compassionate and caring of others instead of themselves, everyone would have a real best friend. Teenagers are the worst at being selfish. I just know it would be best to find a friend who will be careful in choosing between their own needs and mine.

A quick question I have been consumed with lately:
What is it about people that make them OK with being nothing, doing nothing, thinking about nothing, aiming for absolutely nothing. I admit lately I have not been near as productive as the previous Kirby of earlier years, but I acknowledge it and I have been making accommodations to initiate a new circulation of events for my life.
Partying is an activity for us Echo boomers, but when I get right down to it, what is drinking and doing drugs?

Our brains are so complex, our neurons timeless. The great people of the past (the recognized ones anyway, I'm talking Einstein and Franklin)all were commended for their thought processes and intellectual accomplishments. It seemed almost encouraging to one another to seek answers to unsolved natural phenomena. In the twenty-first century, however, we are far from thought searching. Alcohol and drugs hinder the thought processes, literally disconnect the neurons and prevent them from communicating. Whats sick is why we experience this halt on thinking and how we keep abusing it. It snowballs into years of nonproductivity and nonintelligence (Keep in mind that a little social drinking in moderation is most likely not harmful, but binge drinking and habitual drinking could ruin any ones emotional development).

I realize not all people are stuck in this "do nothing" state of mind, but if this is you think about where you are headed for a change, and if this is not you, I commend you for your existence and I'm eager to meet you as an intellectual.

Fluctuating Results

2008-06-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

Reading through my previous blogs, I noticed I am almost having moodswings. I reread a quote in one of those last ones from the boy I met in Florida from Arkansas. I am glad I did too, otherwise I would be fretting about Jeremy.
Rereading it, it helped me see that the different levels of friendships are not permanent; I believe it is possible to learn to perform at a higher level of friendship. I must decide if I wait for Jeremy to pull to a higher level or I can walk. I will most likely wait. I am too good at forgiving.

Another thing (change in pace from pity party friendships): There are certain facts about life that people are famous for discovering. It can even be the most obvious statement in the world that everyone realizes, but these people decide to put it in writing and become the "Founders". Well I believe I will eventually write a college paper on genetics. I am convinced our emotions are connected to our genes. Also, because the alleles for genes are inducible, I believe every organism has the potential to be transformed, if certain genes can just be "turned on". Maybe I am wrong, but from AP Biology it seems as if these statements are possible.

Scientists actually did a study on people by placing them in a room to watch a scary movie. Some reacted by being scared and covering their faces, while others simply stared at the screens almost bored-like. After genetic research, they found that different genes were turned on for different individuals. Therefore, I conclude that emotions are connected to our genetic make-up. Its something that can be concluded by anyone, I just happened to be the one to write it down.

I suppose the reason I think about this is because everyday my outlook on this friend situation I'm having is changing. And if I were to look into my body, I believe I would be able to see different genes being "switched on and off" and different hormones being released to signal my brain which neurons to fire.

Possible Resuscitation

2008-06-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

"truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones
worth suffering for."

-Bob Marley.

I saw this quote and I fell in love with Bobby. I suppose seeing it written out like that is helping me organize exactly how I feel. My philosophy ever since that heart-breaking first love relationship has been "do not expect anything out of people. If you dont expect it you wont get let down. And if they happen to pull through for you, you will be just as excited if not more as if you had expected it."
But when you find a friend who seems to stick with you for the most part for years, you tend to start expecting good out of them. So when they let you down repeatedly, you must ask yourself the question of "is it worth suffering for?"
Its a tough question. Suffering hurts.

Last night I went to hang out with some new people. At a new house. Yes the boy who had invited me was extremely intoxicated, but I laughed at him. His friends however were sobering up. We all ended up sitting around and playing the "question game" which is where one person thinks of questions and everyone takes turns elaborating. Everyone was really honest and told things that have been bothering them or explained qualities they look for in a person. It was a nice change of pace.
The group I am used to would never be caught doing this. If I were to say "Hey guys, lets play the question game" they would pause and reply, "What? Lets take more shots!"

This is the difference between productive and unproductive I believe. This new group also inspired me to go to church this morning.
Maybe this is a new start..
Maybe I am being stitched back together...

Friendship Scrapes Not Fixed by Bandaids

2008-06-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Friend:
1.A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2.A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3.A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4.One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

With these four definitions posted on Dictionary.com I suppose I can somewhat understand why being a friend and what that means is so misconcieved. One of the hardest things to do in life is to find a good friend. The majority of the population could take a look at that sentence and agree, "YEAH! Good friends ARE hard to find!"
But when it comes down to it, this majority ironically ends up being apart of one of my greatest problems in life.
Yes, cliche': teenage girl throwing a pity party because she can't find a "good" friend. Cliche' as it may be, I still believe I am one of the minority who sees friendship in a more serious light. For one I have only been able to depend on one girl as a good friend and that was my sister.. but that is a flop so far.
Cliche' #2: "I can't stand being friends with girls". While I try not to stereotype, I can not seem to find one female in my age range who has the emotional intelligence higher than a ten year old. With all this "girl talk and gossip about the sweet boyfriend and what Caitlin said last week, etc", I simply have no interest contributing or even listening to most girls talk.

And boys? I seem to be able to depend on Jeremy lately. Jeremy is a boy I was best friends with for a year, then dated for a year and a half, then broke up with to be friends again. However, I have noticed a 4 month pattern with him. By that I mean, about every 4 months, right when I get real comfortable with trust, he does something non-friendlike. Its always accidental, but how many times must I endure disappointment before enough is enough.

A friend I met in florida summarized it like this ..
"Well, there are different breeds of friends. The people I would call my true friends, do, always pull through for me, no matter what. The thing about that, I only have one of those friends. I have other friends that are there for me the majority of the time, but they may say things behind my back, or not be there for me in other times. Friendship comes in different levels, and progressing a friendship to the highest level isn't always about how much time you've spent with a person, but what kind of person he or she is and how well you and that person work together. It is one of the things that is hardest to find in this life."

This is something similar to how I view friendship and he is the first to ever put it in a way that I agreed with. Its just too bad that he lives in Arkansas.

My point is I am having severe friend issues. Not people to hang out with, I've got plenty of that, but more of the true friends who would pull through for me no matter what. I'm only asking for one. Thats it.. If thats you give me a call.

Motivation for Construction

2008-06-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

I believe the most appropriate way to begin my blogging career is to first convert motivations for writing to "paper" or key board rather. I feel like my life could have been a sitcom thus far. I could be rich and famous on MTV if they had just found me soon enough.

I think Teenage Open Heart Surgery is an esteemed enough title to label my thoughts and my life to the public. For one I'm 16: prime teenage criteria, and Open Heart Surgery is easy enough to conclude that my feelings are out on a surgeon's table ready for surgery. Surgery is meant to fix and cure, just like this blog is going to organize my emotions and increase my Emotional Intelligence Quotient hopefully.

I also think a perk of this blog is that other teens will drink up what I say and participate in surgery by sharing advice and experiences. Corny I know.. but thats what I'm aiming for.