It's hard to show respect.

Something might be wrong with my mother. I decided to do the Tiger Queen Pageant at school for fun. I signed up on Friday. I told my mom I wanted to sing and play guitar for my talent and that it was for fun, not to win.

My mother found out it was a scholarship competition and wants me to go for it. I didn't realize this would be such a problem. I just want to have fun.

The first negative thing she said was, you could always read a poem for your talent. And yes I like writing poetry so I took it into consideration, but the only realy reason I wanted to be in the pageant was to perform something.

My mom keeps coming to me basically saying she doesn't think I will be able to perform. Yes I know I have short amount of time to pull it off, but I have never needed anyone to tell me I could or couldn't do it. I am not stupid. I am not going to do something if I don't think I can do it.

She told me she didn't think I'd get into Vanderbilt, nor be happy there. And now she is tellin me I won't be able to pull off playing guitar.

And now its all in my subconscious that I won't be able to do it. It's just really discouraging having someone continually telling you you won't be able to do something.

I can not believe her. She is so ambitious to win this thing. I told her to not come. I don't want someone to be there to not support me.

I just want to have fun.

And now I am feeling incredibly lonely. Again. Human characteristic that is inescapable. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would fall in love to prove my self wrong that it isn't real. I sometimes think we make it up. But I have to remind myself that life IS what we make it.

Sometimes you just want someone to save you.

Find me on the web, like I'm a turantula.

I ironically wrote a scholarship essay in my blog, not intending to publish it on here. I laughed when I was finished and decided to publish it anyway.


Instant messages, text messages, Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, Blogspot: these are all forms of communication that have enveloped my Echo boomer generation. Constantly preparing ourselves for our place in the world where we will eventually become future politicians, business executives, social club leaders and every other title from stay at home mom to President of the United States, I imagine this warped technological communication is impossible to revert and will carry us through the networking groups of our destinies. This quick communication fails to teach my generation the etiquette needed to succeed and falls short of molding our emotional intelligence which is valued for any type of social interaction.
A country's efficiency in regards to government, economy, and society lies at the feet of teamwork and human relationships. Regardless of advancing technology, conversation face to face will never submerge; a metaphorical line that can not be crossed in order to keep others happy and interests groups cooperating accordingly will always exist.
With these new technologies, children of my generation are already showing signs of failing to know how to react to others in a healthy and productive manner, thus weakening their problem solving skills and lowering the future's rate for adequacy. With this type of training, the future will ironically be at a lack of communication due to some individuals adapting to the demands of learning new interaction techniques and others using technology as a crutch.
From my discoveries and knowledge gained from studying the neuroscience field: the human brain, human behavior and technology, I will eventually have the expertise to teach others cognizance of the problem and exercises to practice physically, rather than technologically, networking. Between practicing problem solving techniques The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle introduced me to and teaching others to be examples to follow to increase productivity between people, I can count myself as a part of a solution.


I guess this whole technology thing in these terms is and will be sort of a problem. Right now its a problem anyway (a teenage problem for now), because it takes up a lot of our time we could be using to do productive activities and well, I sometimes hear of girlfriends getting terrible upset at boyfriends for other girls commenting their facebooks or myspaces. I know some people who even change their top friends according to who has pissed them off lately and who hasn't in hopes of the person who pissed them off to look at their top friends and notice. Sometimes those people do notice and leave racy comments or send a text.

Instead of these people stopping and rationally making a decision, they are quick to go at it online. In all actuality, these people made problems for themselves and then are quick to complain about it over their statuses.

I can admit I am cognizant of some of the virtual messages I have sent to people through my statuses. And it is also easier to text something than to say it out loud. It is something I have been teaching myself to overcome. However the status bit, I sometimes do it to be funny, self entertainment.

Let's face it, our generation is emotionally unintelligent.

Im ill, not sick.

I learned of the Appalachian Mountain Trail today. Kerr said he backpacked on it when he was 19 and it took him 5 1/2 months. I want to do it. Just when? I could just do a portion of it and go a summer, but I would rather do the whole thing and drop life until I finish.

I would need a boy to go though just for protection reasons.

I have noticed that all of my stress from high school has been a choice. Took me til my senior year to figure it out, but at least I figured it. I either like stress, or I like the activities that stress me out so much that I choose to take the good with the bad (the activities with the stress). But I finally realize, I can either drop those "activities" or I can change my attitude about it to "If I meet my dead line, cool, if not, I'm not dead." haha always a silver lining to any situation.

I have lost a portion of motivation to meet deadlines, though. Haha maybe college should have waited to tell me I have been accepted.

I have also shifted my attitude about friends. I have longed for stability and to find a close friend, but I realized that maybe life would be alot more "light" , "less grave" if I actually followed that advice "live every moment to the fullest". you know, enjoy the time you have with people.
So that's what I have been doing I think.
enjoying people's company. theres no rule that says you have to have someone attached at your hip, but maybe that's what marriage will be. "your other half"

Ive been thinking about the effects of drugs on the mind lately. haha not doing drugs, but how they shift mind patterns. you can find people on you tube who talk about doing DMT and LSD and etc.. and they speak of different perceptions.
People say.. what they see is not real. But to me, I think everything we all do is just.. perceptions. What you see is real, except some visions can not physically change the world as we know it. I'm not explaining this well, because there are exceptions to my theory such as mirages, etc.
Its just when I start thinking of our neurons firing in our brains to produce certain images, I also can't help but think about those people who have seen ghosts. (call me crazy but I have seen 2. seriously, call me crazy, I know what I saw.) Not everyone present could have seen it, but that's why I am convinced that our brains open up portals to again.. different levels of consciousness, the spiritual world being one of them. It's some what like 3 D glasses in a 3 D movie. If you aren't wearing them, then you don't see some things the same way.
People have caught glimpses in other levels of consciousness.

Da Vinci did. He tapped into the future by oscillating on a separate frequency with his drawings of helicopters and such.

People, again, call me crazy, but the supernatural is fascinating.

-----

another thought I had today:
Kerr explained he is a nature guy, but he also goes hunting.
I love animals, but I wouldn't mind hunting either. With this, I realized I am always thinking.. what category do I fall in? I should pick a hobby and fall die hard into it. Some people have these definite things they are awesome at.. their thing is art, their thing is sports.. etc. but i like too much stuff, I can't figure out my category. And I came to terms with myself today. It's ok. I don't have to be committed to anything. That IS who I am: versatility.

I had an enlightening day.

We are not the same; I am a martian.

Sometimes you go out on a limb. You do something that you know may not be the best thing to do because you know the consequences could be bad, but there is the slight chance that the consequences could be really good.
I feel like I am going out on the limb and it's breaking. I don't want to explain what I actually did/am doing, because thats publicly announcing too much of my personal life, but really, the branch... starting to break I think.

I also wish I could overcome this human quality called loneliness. Why do we need to be near someone sometimes to not feel lonely? And why is it that we can be standing in a crowd and still feel lonely. We are strange creatures.

I like knowing my destination, but I also like the journey to be a mystery. Thats cheesy, but if people were not over enthusiastic, cheesy, dramatic etc.. then life would be pretty boring.
..kind of like dancing. Its more fun to go all out and exaggerate the steps rather than stay in one place bobbing your head.

The question is.. "Do they mean what they say, or is it like a man cheating on his spouse, promising his lover he is going to leave his wife, but it never happens?"
I think im the "lover" in my situation.
(If you personally asked me what I mean, I would probably tell you.)

I plan on exaggerating my movements, you know.. spice things up.

Don't ask me whats wrong, ask me whats right. And Imma tell you whats life?

So I did in fact get into Vanderbilt, with funding. It's extremely nice. I always thought Well, even if I do get in, I'll still have to get a scholarship.
But I suppose there really is a great plan for everything. All these money problems have just caused Vanderbilt to give me a ton of grant money for school.
It's just such a load off of my shoulders.
I did have problems telling people at first. It was something I whispered. I told my closer friends. I just feel like I am bragging everytime I open my mouth about it. They all say I should brag, but I feel guilty. haha. I decided to put .. I am a commodore on my status on facebook rather than LOOK AT ME. I AM GOING TO VANDY! haha.. thats what the adrenaline in me wantedto say.. but then again I also want people to be happy for me rather than.. wow.. shes full of herself. I do feel very blessed and I am thankful to have been given this opportunity.

This Christmas break has been wonderful. I have been celebrating and relaxing for once. I have been incredibly happy. Whatever my unexplainable mood was that has enveloped me lately, is now replaced with this incredible state of euphoria.

I am pretty content : ). However if any other dreams of mine would like to come true, let them come. There is always more room for happiness.

Tonight I am hosting a dirty Santa party at my house for the Student Government kids. We always have fun in fourth period so I thought it'd be nice to bring that fun outside of school.

On a more.. philosophical note. I have been thinking about our soul. Deathcab for Cutie shuffled onto my sisters ipod as she was riding with me to Mississippi. "Where soul meets body"....
It's amazing that our emotions, sadness, happiness can facilitate tears and laughter, etc.
But I wonder.. our soul must be attached to our body, until our body quits working. I just wonder what the soul does at that point.
Any spiritual happening must still be connected to our body such as the "white light" that people see when they die and come back. It still is most likely a connection to the spiritual world and it is also our brains shutting down (when that part of the brain quits functioning, it produces white light frequency to our eyes.. according to research anyway.)

But once our soul is no longer connected.. what does it do? It no longer has anything to attach to.

Just something I think about sometimes. I believe there is a connection that can be found somehow through emotions, soul, genetics, science.

I also wonder why I wonder about things like this. It makes me chuckle at my nerdy self.

Quadruple By-pass

Have you ever met someone and instantly known there was something incredible there? I have met this one person a few months back. I have spoken of him in my blogs before, but I'll leave names out in order to avoid embarrassing him.

He is all over facebook so I can not avoid him unless I avoid facebook.

It kills me knowing how close he is and how close he is not. He is on my conscious level. It makes me think too much and half of me wishes it would go away because it leaves no room for anything new.

This blog for once did not make me feel better.

No homo, no hypo (crite).

I believe I am removing the word hypocrite from my vocabulary. I have been doing some thinking lately (and some re-reading of my blogs) due to a prank phone call I recieved over Thanksgiving break. When I answered, a group of girls were connected to the other end of the reciever, and I figured I might as well keep quiet and leave the phone on so they could continue to say what they felt was so important to say.
Some of it was funny, but some of it could have had some truth so it (reguarding myself being a hypocrite.. you know.. a "holier than thou status" when they claimed I smoked weed). I'm sorry to let your hopes down, but I do not smoke weed, however, I will agree that I have much room for hypocrisy.
I realize using this word does not allow me to make mistakes without being judged. If I make a public mistake, even if I realize it, someone is bound to pull this blog out and use it against me.
I suppose that is fine, now that I know my lesson, but I hope people will refrain from doing that.

So I have court in the morning, and I did not tell my parents. I realize they could get on my blog and read this, but that will be fine. I did not completely lie, I just said I was not going to school in the morning and I was going on a college visit (because I am to be excused for tomorrow as well). I just know financially (even though I will be paying the court fees) they would be very upset. I would just rather them not deal with more stress than they already have and I personally could do without the stress too. I really do not like lying though. I can not remember the last time I lied to them. I know I would not get in trouble for telling the truth, but they are worried enough about money.

Another thing: timing.
Timing is everything. Taking an action too soon or too late, even by seconds, can change the course of life. But thats how could haves, should haves, and would haves are born. Because every action taken is right on time. It's the reminiscing that does the time travel. But maybe thats what makes life beautiful. The fact that the next breath we take affects the next person or thing. Without that breath, things would be slightly different, and all those "slightly differents" add up to a different world. That breath does exist though. And this is the world we live in. Not knowing the outcome of the next second is the chance we take. And that in itself is beautiful.

A little poetry.. but I am at a point where I am waiting for something. Just waiting. What good is that? If I am always waiting to live, when does the living start? It is almost impossible to cut waiting out of my time budget, but it would be nice to be more productive. Things are how they should be right now. Why should I mull over it being something different because mulling will never change circumstances.


If I could take unnecessary desire out of myself, I would. It causes me some internal problems.