It's hard to show respect.

Something might be wrong with my mother. I decided to do the Tiger Queen Pageant at school for fun. I signed up on Friday. I told my mom I wanted to sing and play guitar for my talent and that it was for fun, not to win.

My mother found out it was a scholarship competition and wants me to go for it. I didn't realize this would be such a problem. I just want to have fun.

The first negative thing she said was, you could always read a poem for your talent. And yes I like writing poetry so I took it into consideration, but the only realy reason I wanted to be in the pageant was to perform something.

My mom keeps coming to me basically saying she doesn't think I will be able to perform. Yes I know I have short amount of time to pull it off, but I have never needed anyone to tell me I could or couldn't do it. I am not stupid. I am not going to do something if I don't think I can do it.

She told me she didn't think I'd get into Vanderbilt, nor be happy there. And now she is tellin me I won't be able to pull off playing guitar.

And now its all in my subconscious that I won't be able to do it. It's just really discouraging having someone continually telling you you won't be able to do something.

I can not believe her. She is so ambitious to win this thing. I told her to not come. I don't want someone to be there to not support me.

I just want to have fun.

And now I am feeling incredibly lonely. Again. Human characteristic that is inescapable. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would fall in love to prove my self wrong that it isn't real. I sometimes think we make it up. But I have to remind myself that life IS what we make it.

Sometimes you just want someone to save you.

Find me on the web, like I'm a turantula.

I ironically wrote a scholarship essay in my blog, not intending to publish it on here. I laughed when I was finished and decided to publish it anyway.


Instant messages, text messages, Facebook, Myspace, Xanga, Blogspot: these are all forms of communication that have enveloped my Echo boomer generation. Constantly preparing ourselves for our place in the world where we will eventually become future politicians, business executives, social club leaders and every other title from stay at home mom to President of the United States, I imagine this warped technological communication is impossible to revert and will carry us through the networking groups of our destinies. This quick communication fails to teach my generation the etiquette needed to succeed and falls short of molding our emotional intelligence which is valued for any type of social interaction.
A country's efficiency in regards to government, economy, and society lies at the feet of teamwork and human relationships. Regardless of advancing technology, conversation face to face will never submerge; a metaphorical line that can not be crossed in order to keep others happy and interests groups cooperating accordingly will always exist.
With these new technologies, children of my generation are already showing signs of failing to know how to react to others in a healthy and productive manner, thus weakening their problem solving skills and lowering the future's rate for adequacy. With this type of training, the future will ironically be at a lack of communication due to some individuals adapting to the demands of learning new interaction techniques and others using technology as a crutch.
From my discoveries and knowledge gained from studying the neuroscience field: the human brain, human behavior and technology, I will eventually have the expertise to teach others cognizance of the problem and exercises to practice physically, rather than technologically, networking. Between practicing problem solving techniques The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle introduced me to and teaching others to be examples to follow to increase productivity between people, I can count myself as a part of a solution.


I guess this whole technology thing in these terms is and will be sort of a problem. Right now its a problem anyway (a teenage problem for now), because it takes up a lot of our time we could be using to do productive activities and well, I sometimes hear of girlfriends getting terrible upset at boyfriends for other girls commenting their facebooks or myspaces. I know some people who even change their top friends according to who has pissed them off lately and who hasn't in hopes of the person who pissed them off to look at their top friends and notice. Sometimes those people do notice and leave racy comments or send a text.

Instead of these people stopping and rationally making a decision, they are quick to go at it online. In all actuality, these people made problems for themselves and then are quick to complain about it over their statuses.

I can admit I am cognizant of some of the virtual messages I have sent to people through my statuses. And it is also easier to text something than to say it out loud. It is something I have been teaching myself to overcome. However the status bit, I sometimes do it to be funny, self entertainment.

Let's face it, our generation is emotionally unintelligent.

Im ill, not sick.

I learned of the Appalachian Mountain Trail today. Kerr said he backpacked on it when he was 19 and it took him 5 1/2 months. I want to do it. Just when? I could just do a portion of it and go a summer, but I would rather do the whole thing and drop life until I finish.

I would need a boy to go though just for protection reasons.

I have noticed that all of my stress from high school has been a choice. Took me til my senior year to figure it out, but at least I figured it. I either like stress, or I like the activities that stress me out so much that I choose to take the good with the bad (the activities with the stress). But I finally realize, I can either drop those "activities" or I can change my attitude about it to "If I meet my dead line, cool, if not, I'm not dead." haha always a silver lining to any situation.

I have lost a portion of motivation to meet deadlines, though. Haha maybe college should have waited to tell me I have been accepted.

I have also shifted my attitude about friends. I have longed for stability and to find a close friend, but I realized that maybe life would be alot more "light" , "less grave" if I actually followed that advice "live every moment to the fullest". you know, enjoy the time you have with people.
So that's what I have been doing I think.
enjoying people's company. theres no rule that says you have to have someone attached at your hip, but maybe that's what marriage will be. "your other half"

Ive been thinking about the effects of drugs on the mind lately. haha not doing drugs, but how they shift mind patterns. you can find people on you tube who talk about doing DMT and LSD and etc.. and they speak of different perceptions.
People say.. what they see is not real. But to me, I think everything we all do is just.. perceptions. What you see is real, except some visions can not physically change the world as we know it. I'm not explaining this well, because there are exceptions to my theory such as mirages, etc.
Its just when I start thinking of our neurons firing in our brains to produce certain images, I also can't help but think about those people who have seen ghosts. (call me crazy but I have seen 2. seriously, call me crazy, I know what I saw.) Not everyone present could have seen it, but that's why I am convinced that our brains open up portals to again.. different levels of consciousness, the spiritual world being one of them. It's some what like 3 D glasses in a 3 D movie. If you aren't wearing them, then you don't see some things the same way.
People have caught glimpses in other levels of consciousness.

Da Vinci did. He tapped into the future by oscillating on a separate frequency with his drawings of helicopters and such.

People, again, call me crazy, but the supernatural is fascinating.

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another thought I had today:
Kerr explained he is a nature guy, but he also goes hunting.
I love animals, but I wouldn't mind hunting either. With this, I realized I am always thinking.. what category do I fall in? I should pick a hobby and fall die hard into it. Some people have these definite things they are awesome at.. their thing is art, their thing is sports.. etc. but i like too much stuff, I can't figure out my category. And I came to terms with myself today. It's ok. I don't have to be committed to anything. That IS who I am: versatility.

I had an enlightening day.