The Male Gender

There is so much going on for me at one time. This boy I have made a commitment to, he has spent the past year trying to get me to commit and now that I do, he is wondering "why now?"
So now he is committed but it doesn't feel secure. I suppose its my fault and bad timing.

Jeremy is all the sudden wondering how I am and so is another old friend. I can't tell what Jeremy's intentions are. Does he want friendship or more than that? And the other old friend? I was pretty sure both of those chapters were closed.

And this new church I went to tonight? The message was centered around John 10:10 which ironically is what my church camp was centered around. That is some sort of sign I think. I do wish they would turn the volume down on the instruments so I could actually think, and I wish they would sing some more familiar songs, but it was an enjoyable experience.
My ex boyfriend was there, it's the same church I used to go to with him. He was the "first love" and he got caught up in drugs. The youth pastor told me that was the longest he had ever stayed for a service. Apparently he usually stays for like half the service or something. I hope things work out for him.

And finally, I wrote about a boy a few entries back who could very well be my soul mate, you know..me in the male version. I met him in Florida, talked with him only one night in person and now he lives a little ways away. His curiosity and intelligence is intriguing. He happened to message me tonight with an "I miss you".
I had to tell him I could not return this feeling. I have committed to this other boy for the right reasons and for me that commitment means all or nothing.

Again, we will be happy by living the right way. Our hands will be held if we open the double doors.

Throwing Arrows

I think about this newfound decision of mine to lead the Good Life. And I also think about this committment I decided to make to a boy.
I realize it could hurt two people, possibly three. One person I know for a fact it hurts, but life throws arrows. I suppose I made life throw one at this one particular person, but I notice on facebook, his quotes change periodically and his status always has a line from a song that sounds like it has to do with me.
Maybe I am being vain, but if not I still feel sorry.

I also do not mean to drag that arrow in further by saying this, hopefully he doesnt read it, but this boy I made a committment to? I actually like him. I do. I surprise myself everyday with how much I miss him and how miles don't really put distance between a connection of two people. Maybe this guy isn't the one. But maybe he is. I was not really looking for the one anyway, but he would do perfectly. Regardless, we are going to help eachother. Its the first time I have felt like I am doing the right thing in a relationship, not to say the others were wrong. Its just this one feels like I am MAKING the right decision.

Something I said tonight, that I want to reiterate:

I love people. Especially when they use their minds.
I like reading poems written by others, it makes me think. And I love writing my own.

I hope this new church I am attending tomorrow is somewhere I like.
Wish me luck.


You prepare for the worst, and you hope for the best, and on the inbetween you hit your knees and pray.
-- Nate Hale

New Life

I think I should use my leadership postition to do great things. I was originally planning on parties and things, so I'm sorry if thats what you were expecting. Now I'm thinking maybe service projects. It would be fun to go up to St. Jude and hang out with the kids. Things like that.

I guess I need to think of GOOD activities to do, give people a chance to do fun, wholesome things. My first idea is ultimate frisbee after registration.

I dont go to church because I don't feel welcome. Maybe I should go back and see if I can make a diference. It has got to start somewhere, right?


This new life will make us happy.

Help Anonymous.

I went to church camp and came back changed. I need to live differently. I am emotionally drained I think. I don't really feel like doing much. I dont even know where to start.
Anonymous, I could use some words of encouragement.

I'm making a bucketlist.

Solution Is Not Ready Yet

I wonder if I am the only one who believes in recurring problems. If life presents you a problem and you choose to do "patch work" instead of fixing it, I believe it will re-present itself in either another fashion or a very similar one. And I believe it will keep presenting itself until you choose to take the bull by the horns and fix it.
Once you are knocked out of your comfort zone, you fight to reach that familiar "o.k." feeling--the one where you no longer have to worry. However, I dont believe this is the most secure solution. This in between state of worry and non worry leaves room to repeatedly fall back under the comfort zone. Maybe if we all fight to push beyond comfort, to realms higher than just "o.k." we will all be successful.
I am just tired of my family sinking below the comfort zone level. I feel like I am maybe the only "go getter" but I can not be responsible for my family, so I get drug down to the raunchy depths of discomfort with them. This invisible string of malevolence is attached to each one of us so while I am crawling up a ladder, I am feeling the weight of my other four family members pulling me back down.

Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away. Haha. I make myself laugh sometimes.. alot of times.
I hope my mom reads this. I am almost positive she will (Hey Mom. :) ). They will know what I am talking about.
I am pretty sure she reads all of my posts when she remembers to.

Heart On My Sleeve Like It's the New Fashion

My facebook statuses have not made any sense to anyone this week, except me. It's annoying when people chat and say "You sound depressed."

I wouldn't say depressed. Depressed is a strong word, not necessary to be thrown around like people tend to do these days.

I've just got alot of emotions, raw emotions..



Elaborations on current Facebook status: The guy I can't be exclusive with? He finds these songs... really they are everywhere.. these songs I have never listened to until he pastes their lyrics on his Quotes.. They speak of our situation. I've heard songs like these.. the ones where you feel sorry for the writer. The writer is the hero, the guy all the listeners support. The other person they write the song about becomes the nemesis, the guy we all love to hate, in this case the guy we all "wish would give the writer a chance".
It turns out, I am the nemesis, the guy on the other side of the song. I am the guy I dislike for the writer, I am the guy I wish would give the writer a chance.
I just can't bring myself to do it.

Subject switch...
I went to a baseball game with a friend. He tells me "ill stick with ya, kirb. im loyal". That sounds good. But does he know what he means when he says that.

I realize I am just as bad as others, maybe I am not the "bestest friend ever"... I have one thing gnawing at my ankles. One thing I did that I am ashamed of. Maybe I will announce it one day, but probably not. I made a mistake, barely anyway, but I still made it.

Also maybe one day I'll talk about my sister. It's more her life, but it affects mine greatly.

Subject switch...
I realize I sound a little (as us echoboomers say) "emo" lately, but what are we as people if we do not express our emotions. I have to find answers to my problems somehow. It's semi public, but I censor some of what I say.

as Lil Wayne says... " Excuse my French, emotion in my passion, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, like it's the new fashion."

Powerball Thought Machine

I've got thoughts in my head. They are going so fast I can not even catch hold of one of them. I almost can see them. Its like I process them and forget them all at the same time, but it's a cycle. The same ones keep surfacing and I keep forgetting. It's so hard to explain. I am going to do an exercise maybe tomorrow, a freewriting exercise. One where I write down every thought that comes to mind and then I am going to analyze them and try to make sense of them.

I went to the river with a friend this weekend, and on the drive home, her boyfriend was driving. This Hunter is also a boy I have known for a few years and he always comes to my work to talk for a few minutes before going next door to work out. I realized that I really trust him and he is a great guy. And I am sitting there thinking, I have been writing blogs about lack of friendship, when he has some friendship potential. I guess my main thought was, I feel so alone sometimes and people are springing up all around me. Good people and by good people I mean they may not ever hurt me. I have this chance to get close to some of these people, but on second thought, I think whats the point, I have thought this about other people and they ended up hurting me anyway.

Something sort of having to do with this is a boy. A boy who is a little older than I am, but I suppose that doesn't matter. What does matter is that he is really good to me. Better than all the other boys I have dated I think. He overdoes the caring, but not in a creepy way or anything. He wants to take me everywhere like he wants to show me off or something. He wants to open every door; he thumps me on accident and hugs me tight and apologizes to make sure he didn't rupture my skull. He randomly gives me gifts and just generally tries to make me happy with every move. And he is successful. He does make me happy. My question for myself however is why will I not claim him as my boyfriend, be exclusively his girlfriend?
I started this dating scene under the impression of just hanging out with guys. I have had a boyfriend every minute of my life through highschool is seems, so I started dating and decided to keep everything unexclusive, no boyfriends so I can relax I guess? Do things for myself, focus on me.
I feel like I can't make up my mind about what I want. He makes me happy so why not just be his girlfriend and be happy?
Will I miss out? Will it be time consuming? Will it keep me from other things?
Are these feelings I have for him shortlived? Or easily put away?

I am not sure what I feel and its bothersome. The thoughts in my head keep whirring around. Its like the powerball. The machine goes round and round and I reach in and randomly choose thoughts.

I know it would not kill me to just quit this.. whatever it is with this boy. I would not die. But I suppose the final point is.. I wouldn't be living either.

Mending Faith

Again.. that last blog was unorganized and maybe written with too raw of feelings. It was maybe too soon, but it helped to smooth over the chaos in my head a smidgon.
Jeremy called back after my follow up text even though I didn't think he would. We still didn't see eye to eye on the subject, but for him things went deeper than what I was thinking. So now I still don't feel right about it, but I see his point of view. I can understand it I suppose. Still doesn't make me feel better about him though.

A comment I got to my last blog helped me remember somethings I needed to write about.. one being faith. I realize I can pray about my situations and I will be taken care of. However, I've had quite a faith issue lately.. Or for quite a while..
You see, I have grown up being taught that the Bible is complete and utter truth. Instead from reading, I have found that the Bible has flukes and contradictories in my opinion. It's frustrating.
What I mean is.. check out the end of the book of Mark in the New Testament. It mentions something about us being about to speak in tongues and healing people.. or at least in some bibles it is mentioned. In others there may be an asterisk next to that last passage stating it was found away from the main manuscripts (which means they are saying be your own judge and it may or may not be true). And in other bibles, the passage is completely omitted.
I'd say that is an important piece of information that has been tampered with. I would also say that because the Bible has been tampered with in years past (some books are left out, etc.) it's hard to call it complete truth.
I believe in the ultimate message such as God is Lord and Jesus is the son of God who died on the cross to save us from our sins.
But the rest is all a blur to me. I have been struggling with this the past 3-4 years and no one has been able to explain it clearly to me. So I just live life knowing the ultimate message and praying that God will reveal the rest to me.

However, this makes it hard on my faith. It makes it hard on me to pray and do right all the things. I have no drive for it, and it all leads up to this bible issue.

So..leaning on Jesus at times like these are a large possibility for me, but it's hard sometimes, and I find myself leaning on myself. Which its hard to lean on your own shoulder. Ive got to learn how to depend on faith.

Overcompassionate: Not a Flaw.

Forget last nights blog. I have a new one in the making. People are so . . ignorant. I view friendship in a more serious manner. I have been harping on this subject since the birth of my blog. Jeremy and I are no longer friends. Three years of calling him my best friends and its finished. Most empty feeling. I've felt this feeling before, maybe five times. Same heart wrenching emotions. He is being pulled away like Wilson the volley ball from Cast Away. Except there is no swimming to try to reach him again. I have to view him as another.. add him to my growing list of everyone else.. the prodigious category of the norm, the expected, the people who take friendship lightly. These people all would say they don't take it lightly, but thats part of their problem. They don't dont realize they ARE in fact taking it lightly.

This blog is dedicated to my best friend of three years Jeremy. Now when people ask me I can no longer call him my best friend. I was hoping he was different. I had thought he was different. Don't get me wrong its not like he made just one mistake and its over. No, there have been a few that I just overlooked and told Jeremy, "You know, I am going to overlook this. It will be like it never happened. Its a fluke."

Now I am convinced otherwise. No fluke; just a part of his ignorant character. He just doesn't care as much as I do. And you may think it's impossible to know the extent of someones feelings compared to your own because there is no possible way to know. But I know, I don't know how much more I care than he does. But I do know its more. Just like with the others. I care more. I almost wish I didn't, but this will make it easy to know friendship is real once I find someone who cares as much as I do.

Jeremy and I parted ways today. Over the phone he told me, "You're right, I don't particularly care why you were upset the otherday. You should not have been upset over something like that so I didn't need to come talk to you."
That was the first time ever.. EVER. that I had told him I NEEDED him to come. And he didnt. And he sees nothing wrong with it. He doesn't care. It's been two weeks and he has not tried to hang out except for three times past twelve AM which only makes me feel like he wants a booty call or something. After this comment I told him "Ok. Confirmation. You dont care. Thats all I needed to know." and he said "You're right. I don't care." but not sarcastically. With such seriousness I could almost pick it up and throw it.

I sent a follow up text saying good bye. I wanted to let him know I was always open to fixing it but he probably would never take the first step. I love him more than he can comprehend, and I told him if he EVER needed ME. I would be there as soon as he made the call. Until then, I said, Good Bye.

I cried. I dont do it often, but I figured this was cry worthy so I didnt criticize myself.
I just needed to vent this. Maybe now if people ask me, "How have you been?" I will say, "I'm alright." even though I'm not. Maybe I'll never be. I plan on spending my life searching for this "alright" state of being. I'll one day find a friend who cares as much as I.

Jumbled Up Neurons

I would first like to say, my thoughts are not entirely in order. They have sort of been colliding with one another the past few days, thats why there has been no new posts. I would begin to write a new one and X out of the window simply because I had nothing real to write.

Now I am here at 3:00 AM just home from a party. Its been about two weeks since Jeremy has tried to hang out. It bothers me simply because he's my best friend and I want him to be different. I cry and he freaks basically. But I wanted him to be the one to prove me wrong about friends.

Secondly, sister. Stupid, gets intoxicated and always does soemthing stupid. Tonight I made her eat before we came home to sober up. I ended up getting told, "I wish you weren't my sister."
She wont remember tomorrow, but I will. I care for her alot, but she doesnt know what that means.

I'm tired, I may elaborate more on these subjects at another time. But this is truly emotionally draining.